welcome back to werewolf house – Arbor day edition

Tis the season for trees and that could only mean one thing, yep that's right, Werewolf House is back and this time, the forest is the house. Please enjoy these images and words I uploaded to my werewolf computer website in celebration of Arborror Day the day of trees we all associate with horror just as much as Halloween.

 
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Previously on Werewolf House...

In a far too complicated ending no one saw because it was very hard to get to...

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You escaped the Werewolf House. Or let's just pretend you were smart enough to ok

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What's this please?

That's right you are an astronaut on a different planet, the werewolf planet where the many moons give extra wolf powers.

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The moons are being covered up oh no

Yep, there's 2 twists, you are actually a werewolf astronaut who got bit by a human. Every full moon you turn into a gross flesh man and piss off all your werewolf friends.

OK now everyone's up to speed. You fucked up so much in the Werewolf House that all the werewolves exiled you to the scary Werewolf Forest where monsters live and now you too dumbass. What now?

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You walk deeper into the dank mossy woods, and who do you see? Why it's the Big Foot himself, the Squashsquatch! A fuckin Skunk Ape swings down from his tree. Would have been funny to ask him if he wanted to take a hit off your skunk vape but you didn't think of that, you're not as funny as me.

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Instead he swipes at you with his hands which are not as big as his feet.

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You have to escape his large hairy attacks, but how? How???

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Bigfoot seems to be aware of your plan to bite him. He sticks out his foot as if to say "please don't make me do this stupid website anymore. I'm so tired. The music didn't really turn out like I hoped it would. Just end it, let me be free." 

The guy shouldn't be so hard on himself though. It's turning out ok, you think. I mean certainly as good as last time you had your werewolf adventure. Who's to say how good that was though. 

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Anyway you're so conflicted you bite the Big Foot itself just to keep the story moving. OH no yep it's just as you feared. The bigfoot transforms into a regular human with relatively small feet--but a fairly large penis. Not sure how that worked out but everyone knows the first rule of Werewolf House is to expect the unexpected. That's the man down there under the apple on a rope. His name is Presenter Media, it's a common name on the Werewolf Planet ok? 

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OK so the former bigfoot and also me is mad as hell at you now and wants to kill you. How will you escape?

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You duck into a hole in a tree and before you could get to whatever disgusting thing you were hoping to do inside there, you start tumbling down a large hole. 

You land at the bottom with a thud, right on your juicy rump.

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Surrounding you is a whole village of tiny houses, and in each house is a bunch of freaky gnomes. I mean these things are so fucked up and freaky.

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They're taking biiiig pulls off their freaky gnome pipes. A bunch of them surround you and are trying to get you to take a hit off the pipe. So what do you think? You gonna do it? 

  

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You run away and open up the big werewolf house door. You slam it behind you and just as you're about to catch your damn breath for once on this god damn website--oh jeez!

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You get attacked by a lot of the gifs I used last time. There aren't as many bad werewolf gifs out there online as you might think. I mean there is a lot but not enough. It's never enough, that's the curse of the Werewolf House.

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Anyway you start running into the house and you hurt yourself on a nail. Yeeeouch! Good going dipshit.

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The werewolves of the Werewolves House are pissed off at you and bulging with rage for turning into a human and running amok in their beautiful home. You try and tell them that it's this shitty fleshy body you are in but... something happens.

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You feel weird... Something is changing about you somehow but I'll be damned if I know what.

Oh wait I get it now and so do you. It's so obvious. That's right when you cut yourself on the nail that was actually the house biting you.

The house ITSELF is a werewolf and now you turned into a house. 

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Some lightning comes by and hits you and you catch on fire and the wolves are happy. 

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you became a house and then died, idiot

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Come on everyone knows you don't disrespect the gnome culture like that, these guys take their weed lifestyle extremely seriously. They ring the bells of shame right in your face. But at the same time, hey, they gotta give it up. You're a person that sticks to their principals and that's rare out here in the werewolf house forest where people will do anything to make a god damn dollar, you know?

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The main gnome guy respects your courage so much he beckons you inside his home. You gotta crouch down but hey why not maybe he's gonna give you some money or something, right? Worth it to check out.

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Turns out it's something even more valuable than money. It's true love. He introduces you to his daughter who is the most beautiful gnome in all the land. You both fall quickly and deeply in love.

You live a blissful and happy life with your new bride until one day your dumbass son leaves the stove on and burns down the tree, killing you and all the gnomes inside.

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Your Shitty son messed things up, great going. you died.

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Oh hell yeah, if I know you, you're not gonna pass up taking a huge rip off these freaky gnome pipes. I'm glad you didn't let me down. Time to partake in drugs--nature's beer.

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You do a lot of the drugs and you find yourself floating... up and up and oh shit this owns you made it to heaven.

You talk to the heavenly father Jesus Christ (of Nazareth[pictured]) from the bible and he's so impressed by all the drugs you did he offers you some cool shit like a cup and loaf, and also he wants to give you a second chance back wherever you want in the Werewolf House Forest. Why didn't he just cure you of your human werewolf affliction or just send you back in time before any of this horrible stuff even happened? Guess what I'm the god of this website and I say shut up! You're gonna get haunted extra for that comment. Now get focused and pick from the 2 specific places Jesus wants you to go, fucko.

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You find your werewolf ass self in a beautiful meadow. I mean this thing has all the shit you'd ever want in a meadow--a babbling brook, some grass. End of list.

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Suddenly you hear some clomping and someone talking at the same time. Only one thing could be making such a noise--it's a goddamn centaur. SHIT.

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He gallops all around real fast like he's so cool. OK yeah so you are stuck in this terrible bipedal body but there's still some perks, you know? For example a dead human body makes the best skeleton there's no denying that no matter how proud you are of mythical creature status. Like imagine a centaur skeleton it's ridiculous and not scary OR funny which is what you get with a human skeleton. I will let you think of all the other reasons on your own.

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Oops you said all of this out loud and now the centaur wants to fight. He's really ripped like all centaurs are for some reason. This may be tricky. How are you going to get out of this jam??

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Yeah, you had a gun this whole time. So what? When would you even have used it before? You're telling me you would have shot the werewolves? Gimme a break tough guy. Yeah right. 

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Well guess what the gun has an anti-dumbass lock on it. It won't shoot because your brain sucks!!! It's science I can see all the data here in my readings.

The centaur whips out the bow and arrow that all centaurs have, quickly calculates the trajectory with its brilliant horse brain and then sends you straight to hell with a masterful headshot.

You went to hell and guess what? You hate it. You're dead.

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You grab your lasso and start doing all the best lasso tricks, you basically run down the entire wikipedia page for lasso rope tricks, that's how good you are. I mean you're doing flat loops, vertical loops, butterflies, Texas Skips, you're a regular Horse Trainer Buck Brannaman. 

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The centaur toots his horn with pleasure. Despite being a horse, the man part of his brain can't help but hoot and holler at all the graceful rope stunting he sees before him. He lets you go, but leaves you with a stern warning: Do not enter the Werewolf House.

You're all like yeah no shit buddy I had an adventure of a lifetime in there last year, the damn thing should have won a webby or at least entitled its creator to some of that online youtube money. You're telling me he can't get a few thousand dollars of that Lil Bub money? This is way more work than owning a fucked up cat.

Anyway the centaur lets you leave. Where are you going next? You do a sassy strut as you think about how fun Werewolf House is.

Hey while you're trapped in this forest you might as well go up and sniff some flowers. This whole experienced hasn't been particularly horror-based now that you think of it so honestly flowers aren't really all that out of place in this new, gentler version of the Werewolf House we all know and love. You bend down to take a big fuckin whiff and--

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Oh shit. It's the most beautiful tiny woman you've ever seen doing one of the top 5 most alluring dances you ever did see in all of your livelong days.

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She hits a dab like you wouldn't believe, holy shit. A dab that could get even the most experienced internet user to fall in love.

You don't have a whole lot of experience with romance, you were a werewolf in space most of your life and up there brother, you're dabbing for one. No one to hit dabs or yeets with you for lightyears.

What's your next smooth move?

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Time to speak the language of love: and that language specifically is kissing followed by the language word "sorry". All you online lovers out there know what I'm talking about. You do a big greasy smooch and then immediately apologize for doing it wrong.

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The fairy you are getting ready to kiss looks different and more scary but that's fine, you'll kiss whatever, this fun experience in the werewolf house forest has got you ready to do unspeakable things.

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You lean in for a smooch and... oh no the fairy starts mocking you with a rude gesture. You did it wrong agin! You dunce.

But then you start to feel funny. Not funny like this good website, you know, funny like you're gonna hork. So the opposite of this website which definitely doesn't make anyone sick and want to die.

You're transforming again but ohh shit you're a fairy now. You've been lured in by the beautiful tiny fairy and now she has passed her curse onto you. You know deep down that you are trapped this way until you can get some attractive stranger to come by online and give you a big stinky kiss.

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Also you have infected the fairy with your human transforming powers and she has turned into a normal human woman. GROSS

The lesson is, stay safe kids, always make sure you trust your partner and for the love of god never ever kiss ANYTHING.

So yeah you're trapped until you can find someone that wants to kiss you and let's just say there aren't a whole lot of creatures in the Werewolf House forest that are ready to pucker up with the likes of you.

The End. You didn't die but you got the bad ending but if the bad ending was this good could you even imagine what the good ending might be like? keep clicking around you just might find it.

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You walk deeper into the forest and what do you come across but a tricky little faun!

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What the heck.

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What is he doing even

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You feel his tricky faun song vibrating in your bones, it's doing something fucked up to you and--

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Oh... oh shit. His evil magic engulfs you in white hot flames. This feels great. You're loving this. You're finally on fire which is what you deserve. You have one last chance to escape. Do you take it?

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Turns out the fire wasn't taking you to hell like you hoped, it was the faun putting a tricky little hex on you! That damn sneaky faun. He's up to his old tricks again I just can't believe it.

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Wait what in the fuck, the faun is changing you into something...

Yep it's the thing we all hate most: a tree. You're trapped as a tree and this seems to be the end. After surviving encounters with many silly mythical woodland creatures, the faun has done a final trick on you and your life is done.

You grow and sway in the breeze for centuries. It's not so bad you don't have to worry about getting quarters for laundry and your hygiene has never been better. 

But something peculiar starts to happen. All your forest friends, such as the squirrel and maybe even a gnome or two start finding your large wooden body to be an extremely suitable home. An owl's up in there eating mice and small rabbits too. Hell yeah.

So yeah, turns out all along the werewolf house - tree edition was YOU! You are the tree and also a werewolf and I guess a spaceman too but that part hasn't been all that important this time around.

Just as you're starting to enjoy your life as a tree that is more useful than the human you once were, these assholes cut you down.

Wait now you're being chopped into lumber? Say it isn't so. Hopefully they use you for something cool like the bottom of a knife.

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Wait you are being used to build a... house? Could it be?

YEP, you are being built into the Werewolf House itself. Wait? This was a prequel?

Yeah no duh. Yes it does make sense, you're just not smart enough to get it.

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So yeah as it turns out you are not only metaphorically the werewolf house but you are actually the werewolf hosue too. Congratulations! This was the good ending.

EPILOGUE

The creaks and cracks of your tree brothers, combined with your old wood werewolf house floors, plus the wind and maybe even a very sonorous owl all come together to create another hideous song.

Just as the song is concluding, you see a poor soul slowly creep up to your big wooden front door. This person looks pretty cool like they are online often and probably like to click on humor-based web pages...

 

That's it please keep Werewolf House as your home page and as all of your bookmarks, it takes a long time which means that the site will probably come back and be updated when you least expect it much like a real werewolf in a house. Probably around Halloween but no promises. Thanks for reading all this. God bless, I love you.